I was very suddenly slammed with about ten dozen glorious ideas for the development of a gigantic story that I am writing and came wandering to deviantART looking to refresh myself on a few notes. Then I realized that I have hardly even visited deviantART in more weeks than I can count off the top of my head, and people have been talking at me and making wonderful deviations and journal entries and I've been ignoring it all and missing out terribly.

*hangs head in shame*

Life? Still rather crazy at the moment. I moved back to Washington from Florida to be with my family as my leukemia-stricken dad prepared (and recently underwent) a very risky stem cell transplant (which doctors initially worried would either severely disable or kill him due to his chromosomal abnormalities, but fortunately, their preparations (and, I am inclined to believe, the prayers and love of people) seem to have generated favorable results so far). In Florida, I left behind a bit of independence (which I fully intend to get back as soon as things in my life are a bit more stable), friends, schooling dreams, and love. And I have no idea when I'll be able to go back, and I'm not sure if I'll ever actually live there again, but I hope it is not too far in the future to at least visit.

Currently, I am trying to work very hard at writing stories and music and learning to paint for a variety of reasons. I am also trying to read and engage in the world a lot more, and that's as much because I have realized that opening one's heart to being interested in the world is important as it is about the fact that I have come to realize that whatever your reason for making art, it can't help but change and create who you are just as much (if not more) than you create it. So I figure that even if no success comes of my musical and literary endeavors, at least I will have become more of the person I want to be by creating good things and letting them create me in return. Of course, this means I have to be a lot smarter and stronger than I am. It's sort of a circular logic thing, I think. Very interesting. And complex. And unbelievably amazing, and incredibly frustrating. But mostly important.

I am also currently helping my recently-divorced second-oldest sister raise her two wonderful kids despite the influence of her absolute scumbag of an ex-husband. I'm also still slaving away at Walgreens in an attempt to earn little green pieces of paper that inform other people stuck in the same system as the rest of us that I have a right to live. I'm also trying to figure out what I'm going to do come fall. I desperately wish to go back to school, but I am not sure yet what is best to study toward accomplishing my huge, huge dreams, and I definitely don't want to waste another two years of time and money not knowing what I'm doing. I'm also seriously contemplating a mission for my church, but that would also be about as financially and emotionally difficult as going back to school. Whatever I do, by the time fall comes, I DO NOT want to keep sitting around saying "I'm figuring things out." I'm sure that in some sense, I will be doing that all my life, but for now, something needs to give. Working on that.

I've changed a lot. There's a lot going on around and inside me, and there a lot of things I would love to rant about, but maybe some other time when it is not late and I am not dizzy with sleepiness and keep reminding myself I have an eight-hour shift come morning.

But I want to catch up around here. Really. I just suck at life at the moment. Sorry, all. Good gosh, I miss everyone. We used to have such great times around here.

I guess that's really all I wanted to do--apologize and offer some feeble explanation. I feel like I've done this a lot. Too much, probably. I thank everyone for their continued demonstrations of love and support toward me, and I assure you that it is all returned no matter how terrible I am at showing it. I will try not to suck so much for the rest of the summer.

At the moment, my sleepiness claims my sanity temporarily, and I should probably let myself go to bed before I start spouting complete nonsense (as opposed to the half-nonsense I wrote preceding this dainty little paragraph).

Love. Love, love, love to all. :hug